space between the walls

truly.

i'm sick of this.

how does it come to this?





...just junk outside the house.
...in the front yard for all to see.

...i don't even know what these are for.
...they aren't mine.
...roommate brought them home for something.
...and never used them.


...a collection of stuff on my front porch to be taken to Goodwill.
...from the last time i de-cluttered my house.


...sigh.
...raw milk from a wonderful farm
...that started separating before we could finish it
...and i set outside to take out to the chickens
...and forgot all about it.
...and now i cringe everytime i see it.
...it's been there since november, i think.


...found randomly on the floor.


...recycling and potatoes.


...a box of bathtub toys and a peek into my closet.


...my bathroom.


...my bedroom.


...supplements that i often forget to take
...despite them being on the counter for me to see.


...a polymer experiment gone wrong.
...paul reminded us that when we throw this away (because it can't go down the drain -- and don't ask me how i know this) it will stay in the landfill for nine million years.
...perhaps this is why it hasn't been thrown away yet.


...my sewing/craft area.


...this is my altar for fuck's sake!


...my office.

awareness. of art. all around us.

Ballerina Girl

Does Every Mother Have ADD?

Robert didn't get into the private school I wanted him to go to because he doesn't follow directions. Robert cannot receive occupational therapy right now -- though he needs it -- because he doesn't follow directions. Robert sometimes cannot receive treatment or evaluation from doctors because he refuses to be touched, and does not follow instructions.

So.

His counselor advises a behavioral chart.

I hate behavioral charts.

They go against all my parenting grains.

Sigh.

So I started to get some poster board out to write up the "expanded board" as Paul has taken to calling it. (It would be too hard to explain why.)

Then I noticed the kids were a bit bored, so I stopped by the learning closet to find some homeschooly things to work on: penmanship, multiplication flash cards, etc. And glanced through a book on homeschooling activities and chose a few.

Aubrey was supposed to be vacuuming the living room carpet. Paul and I repeatedly told this to her a gaza-billion times. Whenever she'd start, something would interrupt it. She'd suck up a carpet strand. It would start making an obnoxious noise. It appeared clogged. Every time, I would stop looking through that book and "fix" the vacuum. Most of the time was spent pulling debris and dog hair clumps out of the wand and power head. I finally ended up vacuuming the carpet, because the vacuum was acting so bizarre.

After that, I called Aubrey downstairs so she could vacuum some of the hardwood floor in exchange for me doing her chore.

I took the school supplies to the table, which was littered with crumbs.

So I went to get a dishcloth to wipe it up. There wasn't one by the sink, so I looked in the drawers and there weren't any put away, so I looked in the bedroom where the folded-and-ready-to-be-put-away laundry was. Found one. Wiped up the table.

Aubrey went for a walk with one dog. Robert stayed and played in the backyard with the other dog. I finished vacuuming the rest of the kitchen.

I still need to make the behavioral chart. I left the vacuum there and went to find poster supplies.

On my way to the garage (where the poster board probably was), Robert announces that we should plant our new trees right now. He's right, they're bare-rooted in a dirt "sprinkled" fake burlap sack since Monday and they need to be in the ground. But I'm in nice clothes that I'm planning on wearing out tonight and I don't want to get muddy.

"That's like a four hour project, buddy. We'll have to save it for another day."

"But I've already got the hole dug."

!!!!!!!!!!!!

"What?! You dug a hole in the backyard?"

"Yeah! Come see!"

Sigh. He was so proud of himself.

It was smack in the middle of the backyard.

Sigh. He worked so hard on it.

It was a decent sized hole, too.

Sigh.

I explained why we couldn't plant it there. I showed him where we were going to plant them, when I had time, and then informed him he needed to fix the hole.

He did.

But somehow, in the process, I got mud on my sleeve.

So I had to clean that up.

Then I noticed the vacuum still out.

Then I laughed.

Kinda maniacally. And went to post this.

During the time it took to write this: the babysitter called to cancel, the dog accosted me, Paul called and Aubrey still hadn't come home so I sent Paul looking for her, and Robert came into the office two times. Once to show me a scrape that the puppy had given him, and one to discuss dinner plans.

Done.

Paul and Aubrey and the dog just got home.

Time to make dinner.

And I still haven't made the chart!

A Dream Relationship

You could say I did this in honor Valentine's Day, but that would be a lie. You could say that it was a homework assignment from our couples counselor and I would be only slightly embarrassed when admitting that this was true. But at any rate, I found it illuminating to do.

In the same trend as writing your own vows, you put words to promises and desires you have about any relationship. It can be one you are in, or one you are looking for, or one that you hope comes to fruition. Or all of the above.

Here is mine:

I need a companion who will go grocery shopping with me, run errands with me, and cook dinners with me.

I need a companion who will hold me when I am sad and problem solve with me when I run into a wall.

I need a companion who will seduce me and make me laugh and travel with me.

I need a companion who shares enough similar interests that we have something to talk about “when the children leave.”

I need a companion who will share the responsibility of running a house and raising children.

I need a companion who will help tidy the disarray that I spread around, someone who will know when to let a creative impulse run its course and when to corral my impetuousness because he thinks it could be detrimental to me or the family.

I need a companion with whom I feel comfortable in bed.

I need a companion with whom I feel sexy and excited in bed.

I need a companion who wants to go hiking and camping and inhaling Nature with me. And one who likes to “couch it” and watch movies. And one who reads. And one who talks about the things that interest him and excite him; and who appreciates it when I do the same.

I need a companion who has enough similar goals that I feel like we are headed in the same direction.

I need a companion who believes in me and encourages me to live my dreams and to actively fight for them.

I need a companion who will work along side me.

I need a companion who understands that I need time alone sometimes and will support that I do that by taking the kids for awhile or “allowing” the daycare or babysitter that would replace me/him.

I need a companion who wants to continue to build our relationship.

I need a companion who seeks to grow as a person and encourages me doing the same.

I need a companion who understands my need for multiple relationships/friendships. And that won’t feel abandoned when I’m fostering other relationships/friendships.

I need a companion who will surprise me and kiss me on the back of the neck and who will reach out and touch me as I walk by him.

I need a companion who will look for the good in the day and remind me to do the same, who will be silly with me and leave me notes in weird places.

I need a companion who will look for ways to connect with his children and foster their relationships.

I need a companion who will be able to ask for what he needs and will be able to tell me what’s going on for him (how he feels) for the purposes of communicating.

I need a companion who can tell me he loves me and doesn’t expect anything in return, though still knows in his heart that I love him as well.

*

I am willing to offer love and companionship to my partnerships.

I am willing to smile and ask about his day.

I am willing to hold his hand and massage his neck when he is stressed.

I am willing to try and keep the house less cluttered so he feels more calm when he returns from work and on his days off.

I am willing to build a sustainable lifestyle enabling us to rely on others less.

I am willing to change our lifestyle to fit whatever income status we have.

I am willing to listen and hear my partner’s concerns when they arise.

I am willing to problem solve when the need arises.

I am willing to hold him and snuggle when he wants to relax.

I am willing to ask him periodically if he needs something from me that he’s not saying.

I am willing to ask for what I need in the partnership.

I am willing to keep lines of communication open between us.

I am willing to bring spontaneity and as much laughter as I can muster to the partnership.

I am willing to work hard and move forward toward our goals.

I am willing to live my dreams along side of his.

I am willing to verbally and physically show my love in different ways.

I am willing to continue to grow as a human being and to support him doing the same.

I am willing to honor his path and wherever he is on it.

I am willing to ask him what he wants from me.

I am willing to share my emotions with him … whatever they may be.

I am willing to put energy into our personal relationship so that we may maintain a level of intimacy and love.

I am willing to look outside one partnership to get needs met (from friends or other partnerships) that I don’t seem to be getting from the one.

I am willing to be vulnerable in front of my partner(s).

I am willing to be open and true in front of my partner(s.)

I am willing to support his needs.

I am willing to encourage his dreams.

I am willing to try and balance my writing career, with loving him -- and any others that come along – and raising and loving the children, and keeping the house nice, and the gardens and yards decent and providing food, and the animals clean and healthy.

I am willing to show up every day and be here now.

I am willing to open my home and heart to his extended family.

I am willing to listen to music and find him in the lyrics.

I am willing to write poems about him and to find magic in the mundane of our lives.

I am willing to keep switching sides in our bed so that he is comfortable.

I am willing to keep on him about staying healthy and making healthy choices.

I am willing to keep reading and learning so that I stay intelligent and have topics to talk about with my partner(s).

I am willing to be silly and leave notes for him in weird places.

I am willing to initiate sex.

I am willing to hold my tongue when I am tempted to nag or pout or “do the train thing.”

I am willing to discuss ideas I have with him before I get too set on something and want it too bad.