I Am My Own Conundrum

I am a mother, a wife, a failed housekeeper, a disgruntled non-vegan, a reader, a procrastinator, a polyamorist, a writer, an urban-homesteader, a future ex-pat.

I am a fringe A.D.D.-er, an advocate for my son's "special needs," a "special needs" detective, a sugar addict and a frequent consumer of chocolate, cheese and olives.

I am a wannabe living simply seeker and a not-so-closet book junkie that wants to travel many places for long vacations involving rat-race jobs to fund them and foreign oil guzzling, carbon foot-printing airplanes to take me there.

I want to hang my clothes to dry and raise chickens and rabbits and knit and write on my idyllic farm and take my dogs running on my land, but I also want no responsibilities and to live in a little cottage across from a city park with a container garden on my porches and have gatherings at my home amongst friends.

I want to move out of the country and escape my husband's job where I rarely see him with its unpredictable days off and long days with no set closing time or lunch hour, to a place where the cost of living is low enough that our jobs keep us together in goal and spirit and commitment, rather than apart.

I want to move out of the country for the excitement and new challenge and for new writing fodder. But I don't want to because I'd miss Starbucks decaf mochas and my writing group and Bhangra dance lessons and Bikram yoga and No Shame Eugene Theater group.

I'd miss the friends I've finally made -- the ones that take longer and longer to make the older I get.

I'd miss my dogs that we might very well have to leave behind if we left.

I don't want to move because what if there isn't a school that I would touch with a ten foot pole for my kids. Before, I'd just say I'd home/un-school them, but I feel done with that now. I don't feel I have the energy, my attention is strongly diverted to my writing right now, and Robert's needs suddenly seem beyond my scope of expertise. But then again -- if we moved, it would be likely that Paul would be more helpful with the children and engage with them in ways that I wouldn't, haven't, or won't. And a friend brought up that maybe in another country, where they treat their children differently and award them different station, he wouldn't have special needs. Maybe he'd blossom into who he really is.

I also don't want to move because of my daughter. She's a teenager now -- even though she's only eleven -- and walks around with her iPod earbuds in, trying to shut us all out and she hates moving. Despite our long times at each of our two Eugene homes, she's necessarily had to move schools and daycares for various reasons and she remembers each kid that was important to her from each school (all the way back to her preschool daycare.) And she cries about them and misses them to this day.

We've finally gotten her back into a school we should've left her in all along and it'll take her through middle school. So I really don't want to move her out of that and even if we plan and wait for the three year mark (until she's out of 8th grade) -- many of her friends would be scattered to different high schools anyway, so maybe the loss would be diminished or at least not added to it - but then Robert's schooling would be interrupted mid-middle school.

So I can't win there.

But maybe, again, if our family were planning for the next three years to go, and Robert all along knew that he'd be moving the summer after his 6th grade year, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal to him.

I love the idea of our family all working together towards a common goal, like all of us learning Spanish together. Not that I've ever wanted to learn Spanish, but ... you know what I mean. And I'd like the idea of all of us making decisions based on our future move.

Paul and I are going to start researching other countries this year. We'll be taking a scouting trip to Costa Rica this fall, and I'd like to add Scotland, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and Australia to the list.

France has intrigued me for years and Italy, too, but Paul doesn't want to learn a new language. Party Pooper. I mean, half the reason to move to a foreign country would be to learn a new language and immerse yourself in their culture!

Yes, Costa Rica is a Spanish-speaking country, but if we ever did move there, we'd most likely join a sustainable community full of expats growing their own food. So maybe no need for Spanish.

But there now. Paul would chide me for thinking too far ahead.

The Call of the Donut

Ok. My cleanse is over. I capped it off early with a baked potato and grilled chicken, the holiest of holy donut and Bijou organic popcorn with nutritional yeast. It was heavenly. And I did it all with my honey. He's such a lovely man. You rock, Paul! <3

This morning Tamara and I drove to Holy Donuts and picked up donuts and coffee for everyone. I had light sugar in my coffee and one donut and started feeling over sugared. I figured I didn't feel over sugared last night because my donut was dessert after the chicken, so I fried myself an egg from one of our beautiful ladies.

I feel better. And today I'm still going to drink two quarts/liters of water today and only fruit for any sweet tooth I may still have. I'd like to keep it like that for the rest of the week actually. Let's see if I can do it! :)

Day One of MediCleanse

I just consumed the first shake for my MediCleanse cleanse. As I was making it for my husband (we're doing it together) earlier this morning, I was very afraid. It smelled horrible and looked vaguely like the color of baby diarrhea. I brought it to Paul and he chugged it, reporting that it was gritty and had "kind-of a bad aftertaste." I still had huge reservations, but was a little less terrified.

He left for work. I fed the dogs. I made my special tea that I'm drinking this week to help detoxify the liver. I filled up a water bottle. I put away some things in the kitchen. I switched a load of laundry. I gave my daughter a hug. ... And then, with nothing left to delay me, I made myself the shake.

Knowing that when I take my supplements, I use lots of water to swallow them, I figured I would use the shake to take my pills. That way I'll be forced to chug the thing. I put two of my pills in my mouth and put the jar to my lips and poured some of the drink in my mouth. It was so gross I couldn't even swallow it and started to gag immediately. I aimed for the sink and mostly made it all in.

By now I'm horrified and use clean, filtered water to take my supplements and get the vile stench from the shake off my lips.

I glared at the jar with the nasty in it. This, by far, was the single most disgusting thing I've ever tried to consume. And I have a naturopath who puts me on herbal tinctures all the time. I've tasted yucky.

A straw!

If I used a straw I could drink faster thereby ending my suffering sooner, and I wouldn't have to smell it, which is what caused the gag reflex, I was sure.

I found the only straw in the house at the back of the junk drawer. It was one of those bright orange Halloween straws that you can get at the dollar store for goody bags. It smelled faintly of that citrine-something that's supposed to ward off mosquitos when burned.

It worked. It was gritty and it there was a "kind-of a bad aftertaste." I took a gulp of my special tea.

First one down, eight more to go.

I'll keep you posted.

Suburban Notes

So, I'm on a quest to shop more frugally and to not waste food in our home. I find uneaten yogurt and left-overs in my fridge growing their own gardens, and the produce I bring home gets wrinkly and soft.

I think this is more meat than I've bought in two months and I got it all on one day. Ick. But my naturopath says I need way more protein than I'm getting and wants me to eat 100grams of carbs a day. I don't think that's even possible for a human being, is it? (shaking my head) I don't really want to know the answer to that.

Plus Paul's been told that he's pre-pre-pre-diabetic. So to lay off the carbs and eat more protein. Sigh. So, more meat. Blah.

Other news on the farm, we've added a new tenant on the weekends. She's got an amazing personality, is a fantastic webpage designer and photographer, and is helping me with my food budget.

We also have a couple other tenants leaving. They have found a bigger space closer to downtown that will suit them much better. They've been great tenants and we're sorry to see them go, but wish them grand adventures and good energy in their lives.

On the garden and chicken homefront, I've decided to free-range the girls a bit here and there. I mean, they already are free-ranged, but I want them to have the run of the yard, too. That doesn't work with our space (and having a maniac puppy dog that wants to eat them), so I'll just have them out when we are gone and the puppy's in the crate anyway, or for a couple hours a day where I can monitor the dog closely.

This is Sophia. She's the noisiest booger-head in the world.

I've signed up for the Willamette Writer's Conference for the third year in a row and was sorry to discover that I'd registered too late to get the agents that would be best for my book. So, I'll be pitching to agents that I'm not as confident will like my proposal/book.

But I'm so excited about going again. I always come home renewed to write and with lots of platform and web-presence ideas. My mother-in-law is going with me this year (she's got two books to pitch). So I'll be "traveling" with her again.

Things seem to be constantly on the brink of change around here. It's exciting and overwhelming.

Our local DAN (Defeat Autism Now) doctor is recommending that Robert see a doctor in Portland, so I'll be calling her soon. Robert's been on the gluten-free, casein-free diet for just over three weeks and I've noticed subtle differences in his behavior. He seems to be more .... even-keeled, if that makes any sense. Though right now, we are experiencing heavy outbursts regarding the diet. He is completely freaked about staying on the diet. All his favorite foods are affected. Beer Cheese soup, Roasted Red-Pepper Soup, ice cream, candy, Naan bread, Chicken Tikka Masala, corn dogs, and cheese sandwiches. Poor kid.

So, tantrum city.

A couple of friends have suggested that he is detoxing and that is the flare-ups in behavior I'm seeing. I hope he settles down soon.

School starts in three months for him, and I want to have more facts and routines under our belt to make his transition from unschooling to Village School a success.

What else?

Paul and I are visiting Costa Rica this Fall to check out the area. We may even stay this place he found: Osa Mountain Village.

We're also looking into purchasing a business. Once the kids are both in school this September, I will need to pick up some work to help pay tuition for Aubrey's school. So, I could go the part-time route and write the other part of the time. Or we could start a business, enabling Paul to switch careers in the near future and then we could either work together at it (which would be fun), or it could be mostly him working it and I can write full-time. (Which would be dope, as my friend says.)

So, big changes and opportunities.

May they all be entered upon with the least amount of drama and stress.

Amen and Blessed Be.

Limited Social Skills in my Kid is leaving me ... Pissed.

I'm so frustrated I can't even type.

I'll post later after I vent to a few more people.

"And Only to Deceive"

Hooray! I have re-discovered it!

Apparently this is a first book in a series of mysteries during this time period. I can't wait to read the rest of them.

Tasha Alexander, here I come.

I don't know the title or the author ... Damn!

Things I remember about the book:

*kind-of a gothic, Jane Austen type

*main character was a young widow who didn't know her husband (he'd died shortly after marrying her and it wasn't a marriage of love on her part)

*she found his journals and fell in love with him post-humonously after reading through them

*her late husband was interested in Greek antiquities and collected them

*she discovered a great cover-up of original pieces being sold and copies of them being secretly exchanged and displayed in a famous British museum.

*she and the best friend of her late husband fall in love at the end of the book.

*"On" is the first word of the title. Probably. And I thought "desire" was in there somewhere, too. But maybe not. And I've googled "On Wings of Desire" and that's not it. (Thank God.)

Ok, so don't judge me because I really liked this book. But I'm dying to find this again. I borrowed the book from my mother-in-law on our cruise this past April. I read it on the boat, gave it back to her, I went home, she stayed in Europe. She read the book, didn't like it and LEFT IT IN EUROPE ON PURPOSE! (Sigh.)

So neither of us remember the title or the author. :(

Anybody happen to know what book this is?