When I Think of War Brides

I know, I know. It sucks. Totally. Having your boyfriend live across the country bites. It’s lame. It’s all the shitty adjectives you can think of. Sad, lonely, taxing, exhausting.

            But. There are some not so shitty things, too. Things that he and I’ve acknowledged are maybe not blessings, but are certainly part of our relationship because we live so far apart.

maybe it's not mine after all

despair. a good day turned black fog.
Julia Stone's This Love
brings panic, a scrambling and nostalgia for a time
barely dead.

rising above the smog to the pristine crispness of your face and the firmness of your jaw
I reach for your soul
my own salvation
and turn off the lights to my hope.
maybe it's not mine after all.
maybe I'm hurting us anew.

from dark to light to dark again
my spirit fluctuates
dims and brightens with the sound of your voice
over the miles.

exhaustion is the plain unromantic truth
and sustainability is a mirage.

tsunami and drought
butterflies and grubs
mt. everest and the grand canyon
water and clay.

crushing vascillations,
doubt reproducing like
cell division.

rising above the smog to the pristine crispness of your face and the firmness of your jaw

I reach for your soul

my own salvation

and turn off the lights to my hope.

maybe it's not mine after all.

maybe I'm hurting us anew.

I'm here with you

Hiding under dupatta

Listening to jingles when I walk

Echoes of laughter

Wonderment

Memories

Coming alive

I wish

I want

I learn

I cry

I feel

I swim

I drown

I rise to the surface.

Sleepless nights

Phone calls in darkness

After nightmares.

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

Bouncing on toes

Barefeet

Fingers in the air

Sweating

And spinning

And love

And yearning

And hope

For more days

For better days

For neverending days

With you, with you, with you.

Incense billows and fills in the cracks

Ganesha smiles and reassures

Pink quartz and Namascar

Floating through it all

The room

The bodies

The anxiety

And even pain

It won’t last

It’s transient

Like all other things

Joy and peace

And contentment

With reality

The reality I’ve chosen

The one with you in it

Are coming my way

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

I’m here with you.

It's Winter

I know it’s winter because I look for meaning in everything. Until my brain stem hurts and I get thirsty.

The Ghosts of Unwritten Blog Posts

Makes you wonder
what happens on Thursdays at 11am.
You know?

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and thought of all the blog posts that have been rolling around in my head lately -- unwritten.

First there was the one about my vacation and love and what it's been like in long-distance relationship realm. Then there was the one about abortion and how single parenthood could affect someone's stance on that issue. And then that blog post segued nicely into the one on religion and what last vestiges of power and guilt organized religion still hold over me. Also how my cyber-friends in Portland can make classy barbs at religion -- during Halloween no less -- and still have a following.

Then there was the post on Ikea and secrets.
One on assimilation, and becoming someone else -- how hard it is to stay authentic, especially in relationships.

One on moving yet again.

One on the pros and cons of having a baby later in life. Or more specifically do I want to have another baby. Because being newly divorced means you can ask yourself these questions now.

There was another post I thought about on self-improvement, living in line with your principles, and saying sorry when it's the right thing to do.

But dammit.

I had a conversation with a friend that turned that post on its ear.

Another blog post was going to be about my favorite sweater. The one I love and looks great on me -- like it was made for me -- painted on. With a hood and cool buttons. My Faerieworlds sweater.

But.

How every time I wear it, I think of my ex-boyfriend.

And that's crummy. Because it's coming on winter now and I'll be wanting to wear it all the time. The only thing I can think to do is ... wear it. And hopefully new memories will come from that.

And then there's the post on my son and counseling: more invisible special needs, and my fears surrounding those.

And my fears surrounding the future. Everyone has those fears. That would make a good blog post, too.





But not in the middle of the night.

Between

This post will just highlight my ever changing moods and frames of mind. I actually wrote this in my journal last night, but woke feeling different. Not totally, but you know, much-less-dramatic-than-at-night-when-you're-tired different.

~

I want to write a little about inspiration and -- NaBlPoMo. Which is strangely fun to say. I feel like I'm in sore need of some artistic influence -- enter NapBloPoMo. NaBloPoMo's (National Blog Posting Month's) theme this month is "Between." When I read that I knew I needed to play along. For realsies.

I'm Really Good at Lying

I’m really good at lying to myself. But I wish I weren’t.

“I love the extreme-ness of my boot camp class. It’s the only way I can get myself to do exercise.”  (It sucks ass. I hate it.)

What a Day Off Looks Like

I woke too early. It's my day off and my children are with their dad today, so I was hoping for a good 8 to 10 hours but am only granted six. Upon waking I am greeted with a fearsome vision -- kind of a nightmare where I'm partially awake. I gain alertness as the vision increases in it's horror. And by the climax of it, I am fully awake -- though paralyzed from shock and sickness.

Long Distance Relationships

A long-distance relationship has never been what I’ve wanted . But I’m in one by my own choice (in a way.)

Once my boyfriend moved, I could’ve said, ‘well, it’s been nice knowing you,’ but I didn’t. I wanted to stay connected. I wanted to stay in relationship. So, here we are. Long Distance.

Fears and challenges will arise – have already arisen. But that doesn’t make me want him any less, nor does it make me want to give up trying.

We both believe that these challenges are just that – challenges.

We both believe that we can overcome them.

We both believe in our love, and

We both believe our separation is only temporary.

We just need to hold on.

Hold on to each other,

Hold on to our dreams,

And we can make “us” happen.

That said, not giving our fears and challenges an airing once in awhile so they don’t turn dirty and dank – growing mold and getting bigger – is not healthy.

Not whine, or be-labor them. But not stuff them either. Just show them the light, acknowledge they are there, so they will shrivel in that light.

Some fears/challenges we face: