Dream Dissonance

Instead of wishing and wanting N to be here RIGHT NOW so he could cook me biriyani and snuggle with me, I will dutifully (with love and accountability) call upon those feelings I had this morning in the office I share with Brittany -- energy worker extraordinaire.

I discovered today.

I acknowledged in my body today.

I felt a Truth rise up in me today.

I knew a felt sense today.

After my lovely energy session was almost complete and I was relaxing and breathing deeply and without panic for the first time in weeks, B took me through a couple of meditative visuals. Halfway through the second one, I spilled over with tears, and continued to be highly emotional during the next ten minutes while I explained what had happened internally for me.

We often discuss what the body does, or says, during sessions.

Here's a WILDLY ABRIDGED version of the visualization exercise:

• Imagine the soles of your feet in contact with soft earth. 

(I immediately thought Costa Rican soil and saw huge green leaves coming up from the ground at the base of a giant tree. It was in this soil that I imagined my feet.)

• Feel the earth energy entering you from the soles of your feet, through your gates, into your calves and shins, past your knees ....  

(I could actually feel a tingly rushy feeling going everywhere she led me. I felt content and joyful, and all of a sudden I knew. Costa Rica would be good for me. A place of healing and good energy.)



She continued leading the earth energy up my body and when it reached my center -- my womb -- I could see the little light zipping around and joyfully doing figure eights around my belly. (I would find joy and healing and nourishment in Costa Rica.)

And.

I started crying.

I struggled with the earth energy going higher through the upper chakras. It did. It was dimmed and not so joyful, but it made it.

I struggled with feelings of un-worthiness.

Was I crying because I felt like Costa Rica was the right place for me, but that it might not be for my kids and I can't get there yet, until my kids are grown up? Was I crying because I didn't feel worthy of obtaining/attaining this dream, when I should be focusing on my kids' dreams?

Or was I crying because I felt unworthy of earth energy? Maybe because I was blocked in one of those chakras? Or because I wasn't worthy of feeling joy? (GASP)

I don't know the answer to any of those questions.

Then or now.

B's hypothesis is that I've been disconnected from Earth energy for a long time and I was reunited with it today. That I felt joy and longing for it today. And the tears were a mixture of relief, love and longing.

That rings true, too.

When I asked her what to do with it, she just said 'sit with it.' Let it be there. (Of course she did.)

I'm concerned that since I wasn't able to process those feelings right after the session (due to a business meeting) that the impact -- the import and impact -- are missing now.

This is a faithful accounting of what happened at the session, but the ... longing and relief ... are missing.

I wish I could re-capture that ... in case there were extra messages there for me.

I feel like I have the clarity now that Costa Rica is definitely that place I need to be. And that it will be good for me there. Being with nature in that way will be healing for me, like the island was for that character in Lost that didn't have cancer as long as she was there. Eventually I will live there. I know it now.

But what about that other part?

The part about Costa Rica being my longing, and not my kids' dream. And the dissonance of having a dream that is different from theirs. And when is it okay to act on a dream that is in contrast to your family's? And how do I go about doing that in a safe and respectful way?

Global Gatherings

Back when I home-schooled my children, I had to think up ways to facilitate the natural curiosity that children have – the kind that often gets swallowed up by video games and Nickelodeon. At least it did in my house. One way I did this was with Global Gatherings.

I Need a Name For My New Home

I'm so excited about my new house!
Even though I can't move into it for six weeks.
How will I wait for that?!

My friend, Tamara, says, "Whatever. You'll be packing. It's not that long." Call me insane but, I didn't actually think I'd have to pack. It's just a few blocks away. Like fifteen, or something. I thought that I could make a few van trips with some laundry baskets full of clothes and kitchen utensils and it'd be done. Right?

Wretched

I feel in a wretched predicament.

My wonderful beautiful little boy is behaving so terrible that I'm embarrassed and shamed to be him mom today.  And how can a mother -- any mother -- say that?

Today at Tae Kwon Do class I witnessed, within ten minutes, him cutting repeatedly in the running line, everytime he'd get close to another student he'd grab onto their shirt and pull, he'd try and drag them down or butt into them.  Right now he's sitting down on the middle of the floor, not participating in the warm up but did the dodgeball before class and the games after the warm-up.

He's highly competitive but doesn't care about teamwork.  He's untruthful.  he's manipulated his way into going about four times before all the rest of the class took a turn in the game and when the teacher told him no more, Joey picked up a teaching prop an threw it!

What a brat!  He has no social skills.  How do I teach this?  He's totally oppositional and defiant when he doesn't get his way.

I'm at the end of patience.

Though truthfully, I think that precious attribute left me when he was two.

Rio thinks I should have him do the test for yellow belt, that he would develop self control with his self confidence.  I can see that, but when I question Joey, he says he'll take the test but doesn't want to do the class.

I don't understand this and when I question him again, he says things like:  he can't get to know anybody in the class because they are all working.  He says this last word disdainfully and with exasperation.

He also says he wants sparring pads -- but I tell him that if he's not going to stay in the class I won't buy them.  I also tell him I won't pay for the test if he's going to drop the class.

Side note:  Joey didn't get into the private Montessori school because of his behavior skills.  Sigh.  What next?  Leave him in the public school that he dislikes and wait until he gets into the lottery Montessori school?  Or homeschool until his gets in?  Maybe I could be good at it if I know it is only temporary.  

While the children are in Massachusetts with their Vavo, maybe I could get the house ready for some homeschooling and give it a try for a month before September.  If it is a disaster, he can go straight into public school again.

Maybe I should talk to my homeschooling friends.

Family Teeth Brushing Is At Hand!

I still have trouble getting my kids (ages 7 and 9) to brush their teeth.  I've found that instilling FAMILY TEETH BRUSHING TIME works well.  

I get to see how long they brush (and that they do it at all), we share some silly time together and I feel good for modeling good dental hygiene ... plus it prevents me from eating too late in the evening!