A
Poem entitled
Why?
by Julie Lunden
He
didn't wait for me.
I
thought he was my buddy.
I
hurried to be with him. Only him.
But…
He
didn't wait for me
They
said, “He's resting. See him in the morning.”
But…
A
neighbor woke me with the dawn.
“He's
gone,” she said.
BUT…
He
was supposed to wait for me.
Now,
I'm lost.
My
friend. My buddy.
My
mentor. Gone.
Daddy
didn't wait for me!
I
have been lost these past fifty years.
Perhaps
someone will find me.
Maybe
I will find Me.
Dear
Family,
Those
many years ago, I didn't know what I was feeling beyond the shock of
losing my beloved Daddy.
I
distanced myself from every one of you because, as I now know, you all lied to me and
then left me to flounder: confused, fearful, threatened, insecure.
I've spent my entire life being angry at you—collectively and
individually—for the lies.
“Your dad is
getting better;” “He is going back to work the first of the
year.”
Instead,
you, we, buried him in a tomb in New Orleans. I can still hear
the coffin slide across the cement floor, a grating sound of solid
against sand.
You
told me, “Be strong for your mother.” She, and all of you, should
have been strong for the children, for me.
Up
until that time, January 1959, as a family you guided me, planned my
life, provided security and guidance, were caring, and gave me a safe
place to grow.
In
the catastrophe of Daddy's leaving me, there was no one to take my
hand, to acknowledge my sadness and confusion. To this day I don't
know how I came to be standing outside the circle of mourners
surrounding the “city” of tombs. It's too bad we could not have
stood together, supporting one another in the love and spirit of
C.B., father and husband.
Because
of my feelings of abandonment, I left home--did not write, call, or
make any effort to visit. I learned then I could not trust anyone.
Now—these
sixty years later—I choose to believe and live that a family is a
circle that shelters our pain and delights in our joys. We can laugh
together, cry together, and just hold us together and become “strong,
freer, and more powerful.”
~Julie
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